Greetings Friends and Family!
As 2019 Winds to a close (I cannot believe this) I have realized that my writing has taken place mainly off-line this year. I found myself more often than not scribbling away in a random notebook or voice texting notes to myself to write up later – again – with paper and pen – not fingers on keys…. which brings me to this post. Below please enjoy some rough drafts and “in the works” statuses of a number of poems, writings and musings I have developed over the past few months.
Generally, they are about pain, loss, love, hope, strength and finding out how to move forward in a life that constantly wants to set you back.
I hope you enjoy them and please keep your eyes out for these in a more revised state/form in the future – HOPEFULLY – published on some local or other literary sites.
That’s my goal for 2020.
To get some of these writings out in a more public setting and shared with others.
It’s a scary step for me since I have always kept my writing so private, but a recent workshop and class at a local writing center (and the wonderful people I have met there) helped me to feel OK about putting this piece of myself out there. I hope it provides some solace to others and maybe gives me some needed feedback on these feelings, my writings, and what “publishing” my work in a public setting looks like for me in the future.
Cheers to 2020!
Love MoMo
WORDS mean something.
By: MM Toohey
Confidence (rewrite on 11/17)
You wept into the world
willful and free.
dominating your space
with writhing sway.
instantly invoking choice.
this beginning
gives peace inside violence.
Ultimately ending as a mirror of your inception
paths chosen
not given.
no excuse for ambivalence.
no pause for settling
the end came to satisfy your need for solace and meaning.
the end only ends you.
universes exist inside you.
Once this choice is made do not choose another.
I begin to see you inside yourself, it will light your way.
Patterns (rewrite on 11/16)
painful but familiar marks
Inescapable.
Tall sharp and painful fencing all around me.
Frustration
anger
About the pain
At me not you
That is good.
I am pointing blame in the right place
My action and inaction are my own
choose to live with them. And you.
Sleepless (rewrite on 11/17)
Jarred Awake by your absence
ensconced in solitude
forced into movement
Stand. Sit. Walk. Talk. Eat.
Dance. Love. Move ON.
mandated upon me.
“NOW SLEEP!”
a line in the Sand.
never to occur
wandering sleeplessly
peace escaping me
never found .
finally it catches up
Try remain awake a moment longer
Say goodbye
finally sleep
not to wake again.
The solace surrounds me like your arms always did.
Tornado (revised 11/20)
spinning inside a circle of destruction
trapped recklessly apart
Violently swirling around intimacy
unwillingly soaring farther apart
Trapped like tiny birds in a gale
missing the path to happiness
ravaging our funnel-shaped minds
ignoring the incorrect choices
undismayed by the turmoil.
in denial.
moving on.
New Life
Today I ask what are you here for.
Today I wonder why do you care.
Today I fear you have all the wrong reasons and more.
Today I cry because you are bare.
Bare is your back, your heart, your soul.
Bare to the evils of the world.
They twist you and hurt you and warp your figure
Their power is greater than any one soul.
We try to show you the way, the truth, the light
We try to show you the ideals that are right
Tomorrow will bring yet the same problems again –
And I wish that I could promise you I would know the answers by then.
But NO, I won’t say that I won’t cloud your mind more –
But NO, I won’t say that I’ll just teach you to ignore.
Hold On
Please just hold me for now
Tell me this will all work out in the end
Make me know that we can both feel good and happy again
I just feel so lost and scared
So alone and tired
So in love
Once I have wept all of my tears I will truly see you
And you can tell me this will all work out in the end
And make me know that we can both feel good and happy again
Backwards and forwards – my heart goes on and on – turning over again and again
It is lost and scared
So in love
In some moments I am strong and can move on
Tell me this will all work out in the end
Make me know that we can both feel good and happy again
Hold me while I weep all my tears and convince myself to be strong
Then you can move on
So in love
Lost scared alone tired strong weak backwards and forwards
So in love
Sympathy
You push me aside when others catch your eye
You ignore my needs in order to satisfy your selfishness
The days go by and I become more of a thorn in your side than the apple of your eye
Desire tears through my soul, wreaking havoc on my body
While you try to gain sympathy.
Building
What are those empty feelings inside your body?
Are they there for solace or pain? Do they teach or restrict?
Some Say time heals pain.
Time does not heal it teaches;
Teaches one to be aware
to be guarded
to be defensive
Time builds walls for your soul to hide behind.
There is no healing going on around here,
Just a lot of building.
Contentment
I miss you late at night
I need your voice to comfort me to sleep
I need your chest to rest my head,
Your arm to hold my back.
Tomorrow will be filled with meaningless things that can take my mind off of you.
But night will be filled with sleepless desires to feel you again.
Do not confuse need with lust.
I lust not your body but your soul.
I need your body, I lust your soul.
Once together, comfort and desires merge into one.
I feel the weight of loneliness slipping away and I cherish these few happy moments of contentment.
Final
Where does finality end? With whom or what does it sunset?
At what point do you say you are tired enough to stop and just move on.
How does the weight of that decision not crush you and creep into the cracks of your body and soul
Did you think that a simple decision at one moment in time would actually move mountains
Do you feel you are in control
You are not
Stop trying
Revised or new after 11/16
Building (revise)
There is emptiness inside your body
It exists to provide solace
And often pain.
It will teach.
It will restrict.
If it teaches you must learn.
If it restricts you must drift away.
Time will bear out one or the other.
Which one no one is to know
Until after it ends
And time has passed.
Pain heals
Or just teaches
One to be
Aware
Guarded
Defensive
Numb
Time builds walls for your soul to hide behind.
There is no healing going on around here,
Only Building.
Final (revise)
They say
Enough.
Stop.
Just move on.
But beware the weight of that decision will crush you and the dispair of failure will bloody your eyes and tear your soul.
You still did it anyway.
Now what.
NO NAME for this poem
Oh, you thought a decision made in a mote of time would
Move Mountains.
Change Courses.
End Sorrow.
how Simplicius of you.
to think you have the reigns.
to think others know the depths of the Rot.
nothing would remain.
just a Hollow shell.
all the days hours and minutes that exist in the universe will have passed.
there you will be.
Hollow. Without Time. Without Anyone.
You thought you had it in you.
You do not.
Stop trying
looking for peace (Contentment revise)
The house creaks and Settles into the silence of the hour.
Hours drag thru the twilight towards the dawn.
Only the deep baritone sigh or chuckle would have brought sleep.
Only the warm, scratchy pillow of fur on face and chest would have allowed slumber.
Only the heavy, dead weight of a memory-inked arm would have given rest.
Dawn brings distractions.
meaningless, trite and zombie-like.
Rote movements of bodies throughout the day.
The damages carved into the skin are accepted as fair trade for the light.
Soon it will be that time again.
It’s coming.
The thought of it’s arrival blocks anything real from happening.
Creeping along the clock face like the shadows along the wall.
Directing all thoughts towards the same painful moment.
Approaching like a predator stalking its prey.
It knows it will happen and it has the patience to wait.
The darkness arrives and takes over. It cannot be fought.
It fills every space and crack that exists. There is no place it cannot reach.
It is here and brimming with sleepless desires.
Desires that startle any tiny speck of sanity left inside.
Desires.
To thrash the darkness into tattered remains.
To claw the dawn from behind the earth where it hides.
To force the silent darkness out of its perch and make it pounce.
To finalize the end of an uninvited game.
Give in. Give into the desires.
They require a soul. The cost of entry is eternity and entirety.
It is worth it at this moment. Sanity lost. Desires raging.
Body and mind weak, beaten and weary. Why fight this inevitable fate.
Go towards the darkness and away from the dawn.
This time do not come back or yearn for the next phase of the day.
Be willing to stay in the darkness.
Stay calm as it fills all the cracks it had made and soothes every cut and scratch from all your days
like a cold salve.
All along what was fought was the salvation.
Once absorbed the darkness gives comfort and rest to desires.
The numbing weight of daylight is pushed off. the pain seeps in along with the dark.
It is a welcomed change. To feel.
Nothing can been seen through the darkness. Only felt.
The pain becomes pleasure as the knowledge of the void being filled sinks in.
Better to be filled and feel than to be empty and numb.
No matter the pain. No matter the feelings.
The loneliness tries to slip in too through all the cuts and scrapes
but there is no room for it. All is full.
Realizing there can be no room for loneliness when darkness and pain are allowed to fill all voids is where the pleasure comes from.
Go and cherish this happy eternity of contentment.
Slime (new)
Pain What is pain other than another example of an emotion or feeling. It true. It’s a feeling. Loss that’s a feeling. sadness also a feeling.
It’s OK to have these feelings it’s OK to hold and touch them. They are so novel at first you don’t know what to expect you’ve never felt anything like it before you feel the need to spend a lot of time with it —- the newness of it… I t’s almost addictive.
like the slime your 12-year-old makes at your kitchen table. It oozes and spreads out and takes up way more space than you imagined it ever could. It sticks to everything it leaves a thin sheen and maybe a little glitter with anything it comes in contact with —- just so that you know it was there .
It feels good to hold it to watch it move. You almost start believing that it has a life of its own, outside of your control. even though you know that it can’t exist without you giving it its shape, form and movement you start to believe it has free will.
Then one day you wake up and it’s just a mess.This sticky, damp, coldness has spread everywhere. On everything and the more things you touch the more places it gets. And you realize this mass is not doing this on its own. You are doing it. Spreading it. Allowing it to envelop your life. You have to control it. It cannot be left loose and without confine. So you go around and collect all this pain you have spread. Picking it up piece by sticky shiny piece. You have to be smart. It’s tricky and it gets everywhere. So just when you think you have it all cleaned up you realize it was tucked underneath something old. Or stuck to the bottom of a shoe. And bam! It’s all over the place again!
So you go back and pick it all up. Again. Clean it up. Wipe away the evidence.
This time the trick is to find a little box. With a tight lid. Just like you never thought it could spread out the way that it did, you certainly don’t think it will all fit in this tiny little box with the airtight lid .
But it does.
It all fits.
You squish it and smoosh it deep down into the box. Filling each part of each corner. Plunging your fingers down deep into the cool sticky sparkly jelly until you feel the bottom of the box, you press out any little remaining air bubbles, so not to give it space to move.
Then you seal it up tight. Pressing the lid firmly. And then aging and again so that we are sure it is secure.
And then you put it away.
You know it’s there. The knowledge can not be forgotten. The known can not be unknown.
But that does not mean you have to see it, or touch it, or feel it. Or even think of it – except for the occasional moment of awareness that creeps back in and you promptly dismiss.
“Oh, yes, I know it’s there. I put it there. That is where I want it. That is how I want it to exist. Until I decide it must exist another way”
You know that throwing it out or destroying it in its current state does not get rid of it. It only changes it’s geography and form. It still exists. It will always exist.
Better to keep it close and control it rather Than throw it off into the unknown. What if someone else let it back out. What a mess that would be. It would get everywhere again.
No, you know what to do. Keep it sealed up tight. Under control. Tucked away somewhere safe.
But every once in awhile you start thinking about it too much. You visualize it flowing through your hands. The cool sticky texture. The salty smell. The glittery sheen. You almost miss it.
Without it you have no other chance to feel. By controlling that you also have to control all other emotions as well. A world of control. Devoid of chaos or messiness. Or feelings.
So you creep into the dark place where you have tucked your pain away. You crack open that lid for just a second.
Just a peek.
It surges out at you. Released from its intense pressure. You grab it up and squeeze it tight. All the feelings come rushing back in. Oh it feels so good to feel the uneasiness of the knowledge of what is coming. You don’t care. Enjoying the moment within your grip. Cherishing the feelings and the emotions you thought were gone forever. That addiction fulfilled. Fix received.
The fear of what is to come smacks against the moment of pleasure. It stops you in your tracks. What is happening. What are you doing.
Oh god. Quick before it gets away from you get it back in its box. Tamp it down. Seal the lid tight.
Tuck it away
Until you need to feel again.
On the Placid Sea (revise)
Floating asleep on the placid sea.
A rogue Wave decends
pulling you offshore
involuntarily lurching you deep beneath the surface
you are sucked down towards the cooler darker waters
you spin and tumble
not knowing up from down or down from up
cold salt fills your ears and nose as you grasp fleetingly with your hands at the sea floor
lungs full of fire
the spinning continues
frantic kicks hoping your toes will graze sand
nothing is there
just empty space.
Come Down (new)
To the woman that saved my daughters life.
how did you know
what made you take that walk
at that exact time
across that wind swept bridge
rain going sideways
who walks there at that time anyway
she was there
for hours
contemplating
waiting
for you
she did not know she was waiting for you
but she was
a voice
a body
a tone
a sideways glance that lingered longer than normal
what made you stop and ask
what made her wait
will we ever know
I could care less
just that it happened
you happened
to her
there
then
at that time
at that place
the thought of if you had made a different turn haunts me daily
i dont care why
just that you did
and she waited
for you
your words
your glance
your tone
you all shared a moment of time so brief it would hardly be called an encounter
those seconds turned into decades
of life
and hope
and gratitude
you walked up the bridge in a different world
than when you came down
with one more person in it
that would not have been there
both forever changed
as am i
Saving Lives (new)
Not saving your life, I saved two
still not good enough
should have been three
can’t have everything I guess
compromises made
survival achieved. for some.
what kind of lives will be lived now
you invested all you had into them
they better be good
no pressure
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