It’s a strange feeling waking up

With a different man in the room.

Uncomfortably Comfortable.

The feeling of his deep exhale filling the room already full of stale memories.

I did not think there was still space to fill inside this house. What a pleasant surprise.

While taking in all the heat and caffeine of my morning coffee, I also take stock.

In these rooms, I’m surrounded by old and new.

Dog, new.

Refrigerator notepad, old.

Vase, yours.

Work boots, his.

….. and so on.

Things have changed in both good and sad ways.

Ways that open slivers in my heart and my lungs.

Creating space. Allowing movement.

Memories come in and go out.

It all feel so luxurious-so unexpectedly full of possibilities. And also pain.

Sometimes, when the pain overwhelms me and I feel the place closing up- the air stagnating- I want to run away.

Away to an all new place, with all new things.

So, one time, I did that….For a little while.

It did not work.

The universe spun me right back here.

Gently wedged between new and old.

Good and sad.

Happiness and pain.

Memories both in and out.

This house is my home now. This place of space and movement and things

and love.

We drink out of your favorite glasses.

All the time.

I can’t remember that exact moment it became OK.

It just is.

Often, when I mix a “Just perfect” drink, in those perfect drink glasses, and then hear something funny while sitting ‘round the fire pit, in our yard -with ghost-filled smoke plumes wafting above, I know you are near. And also far.

Floating away.

Making space.

Creating room.

For Me to Breathe.

And Love.

All of it.

Right where I am.