Off-Line Writing in 2019

Greetings Friends and Family!

As 2019 Winds to a close (I cannot believe this) I have realized that my writing has taken place mainly off-line this year. I found myself more often than not scribbling away in a random notebook or voice texting notes to myself to write up later – again – with paper and pen – not fingers on keys…. which brings me to this post. Below please enjoy some rough drafts and “in the works” statuses of a number of poems, writings and musings I have developed over the past few months.

Generally, they are about pain, loss, love, hope, strength and finding out how to move forward in a life that constantly wants to set you back.

I hope you enjoy them and please keep your eyes out for these in a more revised state/form in the future – HOPEFULLY – published on some local or other literary sites.

That’s my goal for 2020.

To get some of these writings out in a more public setting and shared with others.

It’s a scary step for me since I have always kept my writing so private, but a recent workshop and class at a local writing center (and the wonderful people I have met there) helped me to feel OK about putting this piece of myself out there. I hope it provides some solace to others and maybe gives me some needed feedback on these feelings, my writings, and what “publishing” my work in a public setting looks like for me in the future.

 

Cheers to 2020!

Love MoMo

 

 

 

WORDS mean something. 

By: MM Toohey

 

Confidence (rewrite on 11/17)

You wept into the world 

willful and free.

dominating your space

with writhing sway.

instantly invoking choice.

this beginning

gives peace inside violence.

Ultimately ending as a mirror of your inception

paths chosen

not given.

no excuse for ambivalence.

no pause for settling

the end came to satisfy your need for solace and meaning.

the end only ends you. 

universes exist inside you.

Once this choice is made do not choose another.

 I begin to see you inside yourself, it will light your way. 

 

Patterns (rewrite on 11/16)

 painful but familiar marks

Inescapable.

Tall sharp and painful fencing all around me.

Frustration

anger 

About the pain

 At me not you 

That is good.

I am pointing blame in the right place

My action and inaction are my own

choose to live with them. And you.

 

Sleepless (rewrite on 11/17)

Jarred Awake by your absence 

ensconced in solitude 

forced into movement

Stand. Sit. Walk. Talk. Eat. 

Dance. Love. Move ON. 

mandated upon me.

“NOW SLEEP!”

a line in the Sand. 

never to occur

wandering sleeplessly 

peace escaping me 

never found . 

finally it catches up

Try remain awake a moment longer

Say goodbye 

finally sleep

not to wake again. 

The solace surrounds me like your arms always did.

 

 

Tornado (revised 11/20)

 

spinning inside a circle of destruction

trapped recklessly apart

Violently swirling around intimacy

unwillingly soaring farther apart 

Trapped like tiny birds in a gale

missing the path to happiness 

ravaging our funnel-shaped minds 

ignoring the incorrect choices 

undismayed by the turmoil. 

in denial.

moving on. 

 

New Life

Today I ask what are you here for.

Today I wonder why do you care.

Today I fear you have all the wrong reasons and more.

Today I cry because you are bare.

      Bare is your back, your heart, your soul.

      Bare to the evils of the world.

              They twist you and hurt you and warp your figure

              Their power is greater than any one soul.

We try to show you the way, the truth, the  light

We try to show you the ideals that are right

Tomorrow will bring yet the same problems again –

And I wish that I could promise you I would know the answers by then.

 

But NO, I won’t say that        I won’t cloud your mind more –

But NO, I won’t say that         I’ll just teach you to ignore.

 

 

Hold On

Please just hold me for now

Tell me this will all work out in the end

Make me know that we can both feel good and happy again

I just feel so lost and scared

So alone and tired

So in love

Once I have wept all of my tears I will truly see you

And you can tell me this will all work out in the end

And make me know that we can both feel good and happy again

 

Backwards and forwards – my heart goes on and on – turning over again and again

It is lost and scared

So in love

In some moments I am strong and can move on

Tell me this will all work out in the end

Make me know that we can both feel good and happy again

Hold me while I weep all my tears and convince myself to be strong

Then you can move on

So in love

Lost scared alone tired strong weak backwards and forwards

So in love

 

Sympathy

You push me aside when others catch your eye

You ignore my needs in order to satisfy your selfishness

The days go by and I become more of a thorn in your side than the apple of your eye

Desire tears through my soul, wreaking havoc on my body

While you try to gain sympathy.

 

Building

What are those empty feelings inside your body?

Are they there for solace or pain? Do they teach or restrict?

 

Some Say time heals pain.

Time does not heal it teaches;

Teaches one to be aware

        to be guarded

        to be defensive

Time builds walls for your soul to hide behind.

There is no healing going on around here,

  Just a lot of building.

 

Contentment 

I miss you late at night

I need your voice to comfort me to sleep

I need your chest to rest my head,

Your arm to hold my back.

Tomorrow will be filled with meaningless things that can take my mind off of you.

But night will be filled with sleepless desires to feel you again.

Do not confuse need with lust. 

I lust not your body but your soul.

I need your body, I lust your soul.

Once together, comfort and desires merge into one.

I feel the weight of loneliness slipping away and I cherish these few happy moments of contentment. 

 

Final

Where does finality end? With whom or what does it sunset?

At what point do you say you are tired enough to stop and just move on.

How does the weight of that decision not crush you and creep into the cracks of your body and soul

Did you think that a simple decision at one moment in time would actually move mountains

Do you feel you are in control

You are not

Stop trying

 

Revised or new after 11/16

Building (revise)

 There is emptiness inside your body

It exists to provide solace

And often pain.

It will teach.

It will restrict.

If it teaches you must learn.

If it restricts you must drift away.

Time will bear out one or the other. 

Which one no one is to know 

Until after it ends

And time has passed.

 

Pain heals

Or just teaches 

 One to be

Aware

       Guarded

                   Defensive

              Numb

Time builds walls for your soul to hide behind.

There is no healing going on around here,

                    Only Building.

 

 

 

Final (revise)

 

They say

 Enough.

Stop.

Just move on.  

But beware the weight of that decision will crush you and the dispair of failure will bloody your eyes and tear your soul.

You still did it anyway.

Now what.

 

NO NAME for this poem

Oh, you thought a decision made in a mote of time would

Move Mountains

Change Courses. 

End Sorrow. 

 

how Simplicius of you. 

to think you have the reigns

to think others know the depths of the Rot. 

 nothing would remain.

just a Hollow shell.

all the days hours and minutes that exist in the universe will have passed.

there you will be. 

Hollow. Without Time. Without Anyone. 

You thought you had it in you.

You do not.

Stop trying

 

 

 

looking for peace (Contentment revise)

The house creaks and Settles into the silence of the hour.

Hours drag thru the twilight towards the dawn. 

Only the deep baritone sigh or chuckle would have brought sleep.

Only the warm, scratchy pillow of fur on face and chest would have allowed slumber.

Only the heavy, dead weight of a memory-inked arm would have given rest.

Dawn brings distractions. 

meaningless, trite and zombie-like. 

Rote movements of bodies throughout the day. 

The damages carved into the skin are accepted as fair trade for the light. 

Soon it will be that time again. 

It’s coming. 

 The thought of it’s arrival blocks anything real from happening.

Creeping along the clock face like the shadows along the wall.

Directing all thoughts towards the same painful moment. 

Approaching like a predator stalking its prey. 

It knows it will happen and it has the patience to wait.

The darkness arrives and takes over. It cannot be fought.

It fills every space and crack that exists. There is no place it cannot reach.  

It is here and brimming with sleepless desires.

Desires that startle any tiny speck of sanity left inside. 

Desires.

To thrash the darkness into tattered remains. 

To claw the dawn from behind the earth where it hides.

 To force the silent darkness out of its perch and make it pounce. 

To finalize the end of an uninvited game.

Give in. Give into the desires. 

They require a soul. The cost of entry is eternity and entirety. 

It is worth it at this moment. Sanity lost. Desires raging. 

Body and mind weak, beaten and weary. Why fight this inevitable fate. 

Go towards the darkness and away from the dawn. 

This time do not come back or yearn for the next phase of the day. 

Be willing to stay in the darkness. 

Stay calm as it fills all the cracks it had made and soothes every cut and scratch from all your days 

like a cold salve. 

All along what was fought was the salvation.

Once absorbed the darkness gives comfort and rest to desires.

 The numbing weight of daylight is pushed off. the pain seeps in along with the dark. 

It is a welcomed change. To feel. 

Nothing can been seen through the darkness. Only felt. 

The pain becomes pleasure as the knowledge of the void being filled sinks in. 

Better to be filled and feel than to be empty and numb. 

No matter the pain. No matter the feelings. 

The loneliness tries to slip in too through all the cuts and scrapes 

but there is no room for it. All is full. 

Realizing there can be no room for loneliness when darkness and pain are allowed to fill all voids is where the pleasure comes from. 

Go and cherish this happy eternity of contentment.

 

Slime (new)

 

Pain   What is pain other than another example of an emotion or feeling. It true. It’s a feeling. Loss that’s a feeling. sadness also a feeling.

It’s OK to have these feelings it’s OK to hold and touch them. They are so novel at first you don’t know what to expect you’ve never felt anything like it before you feel the need to spend a lot of time with it —- the newness of it… I t’s almost addictive.

like the slime your 12-year-old makes at your kitchen table. It oozes and spreads out and takes up way more space than you imagined it ever could. It sticks to everything it leaves a thin sheen and maybe a little glitter with anything it comes in contact with —- just so that you know it was there .

It feels good to hold it to watch it move. You almost start believing that it has a life of its own, outside of your control. even though you know that it can’t exist without you giving it its shape, form and movement you start to believe it has free will. 

Then one day you wake up and it’s just a mess.This sticky, damp, coldness has spread everywhere. On everything and the more things you touch the more places it gets. And you realize this mass is not doing this on its own. You are doing it. Spreading it. Allowing it to envelop your life. You have to control it. It cannot be left loose and without confine. So you go around and collect all this pain you have spread. Picking it up piece by sticky shiny piece. You have to be smart. It’s tricky and it gets everywhere. So just when you think you have it all cleaned up you realize it was tucked underneath something old. Or stuck to the bottom of a shoe. And bam! It’s all over the place again!

So you go back and pick it all up. Again. Clean it up. Wipe away the evidence. 

This time the trick is to find a little box. With a tight lid. Just like you never thought it could spread out the way that it did, you certainly don’t think it will all fit in this tiny little box with the airtight lid . 

But it does.

It all fits. 

You squish it and smoosh it deep down into the box. Filling each part of each corner. Plunging your fingers down deep into the cool sticky sparkly jelly until you feel the bottom of the box, you press out any little remaining air bubbles, so not to give it space to move. 

Then you seal it up tight. Pressing the lid firmly. And then aging and again so that we are sure it is secure. 

And then you put it away.

You know it’s there. The knowledge can not be forgotten. The known can not be unknown. 

But that does not mean you have to see it, or touch it, or feel it. Or even think of it – except for the occasional moment of awareness that creeps back in and you promptly dismiss.

“Oh, yes, I know it’s there. I put it there. That is where I want it. That is how I want it to exist. Until I decide it must exist another way” 

You know that throwing it out or destroying it in its current state does not get rid of it. It only changes it’s geography and form. It still exists. It will always exist. 

Better to keep it close and control it rather Than throw it off into the unknown. What if someone else let it back out. What a mess that would be. It would get everywhere again.

No, you know what to do. Keep it sealed up tight. Under control. Tucked away somewhere safe. 

But every once in awhile you start thinking about it too much. You visualize it flowing through your hands. The cool sticky texture. The salty smell. The glittery sheen. You almost miss it. 

Without it you have no other chance to feel. By controlling that you also have to control all other emotions as well. A world of control. Devoid of chaos or messiness. Or feelings. 

So you creep into the dark place where you have tucked your pain away. You crack open that lid for just a second. 

Just a peek.

It surges out at you. Released from its intense pressure. You grab it up and squeeze it tight. All the feelings come rushing back in. Oh it feels so good to feel the uneasiness of the knowledge  of what is coming. You don’t care. Enjoying the moment within your grip. Cherishing the feelings and the emotions you thought were gone forever. That addiction fulfilled. Fix received. 

The fear of what is to come smacks against the moment of pleasure. It stops you in your tracks. What is happening. What are you doing. 

Oh god. Quick before it gets away from you get it back in its box. Tamp it down. Seal the lid tight. 

Tuck it away

Until you need to feel again. 

 

On the Placid Sea (revise)

Floating asleep on the placid sea.

A rogue Wave decends 

pulling you offshore

involuntarily lurching you deep beneath the surface 

you are sucked down towards the cooler darker waters 

you spin and tumble

not knowing up from down or down from up

cold salt fills your ears and nose as you grasp fleetingly with your hands at the sea floor

lungs full of fire 

the spinning continues

frantic kicks hoping your toes will graze sand

nothing is there

just empty space.

 

Come Down (new)

To the woman that saved my daughters life.

how did you know

what made you take that walk 

at that exact time

across that wind swept bridge

rain going sideways

who walks there at that time anyway

she was there

for hours

contemplating

waiting

for you

she did not know she was waiting for you

but she was

a voice

a body

a tone 

a sideways glance that lingered longer than normal

what made you stop and ask

what made her wait

will we ever know

I could care less

just that it happened

you happened

to her

there

then

at that time

at that place

the thought of if you had made a different turn haunts me daily

i dont care why

just that you did

and she waited

for you

your words

your glance

your tone

you all shared a moment of time so brief it would hardly be called an encounter

those seconds turned into decades

of life

and hope 

and gratitude

you walked up the bridge in a different world 

than when you came down 

with one more person in it

that would not have been there

both forever changed 

as am i

 

 

 

Saving Lives (new)

Not saving your life, I saved two

still not good enough

should have been three

can’t have everything I guess

compromises made

survival achieved.    for some.

what kind of lives will be lived now

you invested all you had into them

they better be good

no pressure

 

      

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