How did you do it? I miss you so much.

Hey babe As I lay here in bed this morning hurting from my mastectomy it makes me think about you and that I have no idea how you endured the amount of pain that you had all these years. I don’t know if I can handle this kind of pain all day or even all week I’m Googling everything that there is to see what Pain killer combinations are allowed with each other and trying to think of different ways to get comfortable in the bed and the sofa and the chair – anywhere – and nothing’s helping. ack! If you were here I know you would have all the answers. 

It makes me think about you so often just the amount of years that you struggled with your pain how you persevered how you read and learned about drugs about your disease about ways to manage. Makes me remember all the changes you made in your life style. your exercising, no more drive-thrus, no more Fried Chicken, no more bourbon or cigars… things that you truly truly loveD as a human! You cut those out which tells me that the pain must have been so great to be able to cut things like that out of your life but you never gave up. I have no idea why… I like to Hope and think that it’s because you loved me and Hannah and wanted to be around as much as you could without feeling miserable. And that is probably somewhat true and I know you’ve even told me that at times and so have others… but I also think there was something else deep inside of you something that a lot of people don’t have. it’s maybe perseverance? Maybe it’s determination or some sort of will to live that not everyone in the world has.

 I do know this: your ability to fight the disease you had for the years that you did is nothing short of phenomenal and everyday I think about you I’m proud of you. I’m proud that I knew you, I’m grateful that I love you, I’m happy that you are part of my family and that Hannah has you for a dad. All of those things are real and still present in our lives. Those do not Exist only in the past tense. They will live forever in my heart and the hearts of everyone who knew you and is loved by you.

 I do selfishly wish that you were here with me now, physically, so that you could hold my hand and tell me bad jokes about my boobs or the lack thereof of them and bring me pills and make me ice packs and do all the things that I know you would do for me. 

I wish you were here to talk to Hannah and to help manage Laura and all their stresses because you always did such a good job  making sure those two were as cared and loved for as I was. You also would communicate with all my friends and all of our family and tell them everything was going to be ok. You would be making me soup and peanutbutter crackers and bringing me Hershey Kisses or mnm’s with peanut butter. You would be reading all of the directions online and in the packets and telling me all the things that we have to do for me to get better. You would be bathing me and wrapping me up in towels and putting lotion on my back and combing my hair… and I would let you willingly because I love you I’ve never felt more cared for buy a human and I did when I was with you.

  I loved taking care of you as well. Even on my hardest days of your care I was grateful to have you in my life.  when I looked at your face saw all the Gratitude in your eyes I knew that every second was worth it even the hard parts. That gratitude wasn’t always easy to see sometimes… often it was hidden behind Pain and guilt and frustration but it was there none the less and you loved me and told me that every day – multiple times a day. Often, you even thanked me for caring for you which would make me mad and I would tell you to stop saying things like that because why wouldn’t I take care of you of course I would take care of you and that you would take care of me the same way if I ever needed you! And you would nod your head in silence and hold back tears bc you hated to cry, yet cried all the time there towards the end…and then we would keep going about whatever it was that was happening in that moment – and those emotions would pass and maybe even go unacknowledged, but we bot knew they were there and felt the deep connection that only comes from two people loving each other through something as deeply sad and yet comforting as caring for eachother in a time of need.

 And now here I am and I need you to take care of me and you’re not here and the sadness is overwhelming. I do know that every word, thought and need I could conjure up would be getting met by you for sure. And while that brings me solace, I do wish that you could be here in real life. Just a word, a touch or a feeling of you in another room would be like winning every lottery, sport, election, sale or competition that existed on the planet, all at once. 

  I do know this so many times over the last few days and even the last few months. I have felt you near me. Thank you for being there in the pre-op room early Monday morning while I laid there waiting my turn. I was scared, but you were there. Thank you for reminding me to ask for the things I needed without guilt from the wonderful ppl in the hospital, I was nervous, but you said – just ask – because you were there. Thank you for helping me find the smiles, hugs and strength to see and talk to all our familiar faces from ICU who came to visit me yesterday, I felt like I would crumble, but you were there and gave me strength. Thank you for helping me talk to Hannah with the right words and at the right time, I feared i would make everything worse, but you gave me strength and you were there. Thank you for sending me new strength in the form of new faces and friends. They love you and I both, and are here for us. Which i feel, make you here in my life in a real way as well. Not a way that diminishes your presence in spirit, but instead, extends you beyond whatever reach you could of had without them. 

Thank you for all of it. Every second, moment, breath, and tear. I love you and will love you deeply, truly and wholly for as long as you allow me. Just please keep coming around for as long as you are able and in whatever manner you are willing to give. 

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