Excitement. Fear. Hope. Frustration. Terror. Relief. Guilt. Anger. Love. Concern. Pain. Anguish. Mercy. Peace. Misery. Resolution. Nothing.
Those are all feelings that have fought their way to the front line of my life over the last 13 months. Depending on the situation Love or Anguish could be the winner of the day. I guess the good news about my emotional state was, like they say about the weather in VA, if you don’t like it, just wait a moment and it will change.
The one thing I did not think would bother me was the latest emotional gift…or rather lack of emotion… the feeling of Nothing. It is strange and slightly jarring to feel Nothing at all. You think back to all those times when so many emotions were running all over your body like trains on train tracks and remember how much you wished for some of those emotions and feelings to go away. But the scary thing is that when you do actually get to a place where you feel nothing, you immediately want to go back and jump onto those tracks. Nothing is not good. Nothing is quiet. Nothing is disturbing to others. Nothing is a defensive tactic that surly is masking something else deeper inside. Or at least I hope that is the case. Nothing is an insult to the memory of the person you loved.
It is good and right to feel love, anguish, sadness and pain. It is bad to feel nothing.
I will sit and wait in my Nothingness until the pain returns and that will give me hope which will lead me to a new place. Where there is something not nothing.